You Can't Take It With You

A big wicker basket sits in our front closet to hold the things we no longer use or have grown out of that will, eventually, be donated to the second-hand store. Stuff accumulates in the basket each time we clean out closets or toy bins, often in a covert manner to avoid detection by family members who see what I'm trying to get rid of and can't part with the newly rediscovered prized possession. After six months, items we haven't given another thought about depart to find new life in someone else's home; however, what always puzzles me when I see the basket get filled up is...where has it all come from?

We try to live a clutter-free life and we could not be accused of having shopaholic tendencies, yet I balance our books each month with the receipts we have gathered and wonder how our family of four has managed to spend so much money. I loathe throw-away packaging, having to pay full-price, and low-quality products, therefore, I am acutely aware of what comes into our house and still we buy and buy.

I'm not the only one questioning the value of ubiquitous consumption; there's a resurgence in homemade gift-giving, repurposing vintage furniture and materials, and learning how to sew, knit, and cook. I don't believe we will covet antiques of the future which originated in the big box stores, and while re-gifting is better than dust collecting, I mourn for all the resources that went into making our unnecessary possessions.

Techniques that have worked for me to steer clear of bad purchases:
1. Think about it for 24 hours. Chances are I will walk out of that store and not come back the next day to buy the thing I didn't need in the first place.
2. Be creative. When I delay my purchase, I often find something I already own that will fit the bill, so to speak.
3. Do the research. When I know what my choices are, I am always more satisfied with my purchase and I can take advantage of limited time offers without experiencing buyer's remorse. Amortized over many years, that large-ticket item becomes a bargain.

There are a couple of purchases we've made that I'm proud to say give me a good shopping high. We entertain ourselves by perusing the ads on Kijiji, looking at sellers trying to unload their junk at crazy high prices, or the ones who bother selling at all for items with a $1 price tag (Please note: if that is you, find your nearest shelter and run, don't walk, to donate it all.). I'm tempted to comment on ads to tell people their stuff is not unique, it's hideous, and it's not antique, it's obsolete; or for the people who post a new ad every day for the same thing and clog up the system, I want to say: your stuff isn't any more desirable today than it was yesterday. We have found a few needles in the haystack including a metal desk for our son, a bargain at twenty-five bucks, a large cedar chest for $50, and an antique chalkboard for $65. From a local used furniture store, we unearthed a $15 solid wood bedside table that, with a $10 can of creamy-white paint, was transformed into a shabby chic piece my daughter can take with her someday because it's built to last. My favourite buy has been a large old pendant light shaped like a pineapple with cut glass to mimic the texture of the fruit that reflects a beautiful pattern on the stairwell walls. There's probably no one on my block, or in my whole town, that has a light like that.

Despite what we've been told, every season or holiday does not call for a brand new wardrobe or decorating scheme. Timeless quality should be our new buzz words. When my daughter asked me why we use the same Christmas decorations every year, I said, "It's called tradition." Everything we own does not have to be trendy, or even unworn. You have only to watch a kid outgrow their clothes in one season to appreciate hand-me-downs. And having a small piece of family history like my great-grandmother's dresser and nightstand or my grandmother's pewter lamp, give me joy that a new piece can't provide.

Our wicker basket was recently purged of old clothes, a set of lamps, and a black dress suit that my son tried to squeeze into with no luck, and now it sits empty, waiting. Over the holiday season, I hope we've learned our lesson and it remains empty because we will want to cherish our gifts, or at least put them to good use. Hint: A poem dedicated to your loving mother would be a perfect gift idea.

A Mini Parenting Course

What should you know, or have you already learned, about good parenting?

This collection of “C” words suggests some of the many facets involved in raising children.

Compassion- You have to be able to love someone more than you love yourself, and you have to want your children to have more opportunity than you had. It is true that a happy parent makes for a happy child but the opposite is true as well. Fulfilling their needs makes parenting easier. They are not fully formed adults with the capacity to express their feelings and stand up for themselves, so it is your job to get them there and it starts with respect, patience, and empathy.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.       Elizabeth Stone

Community- In different ways you may be alone as a parent, feeling overwhelmed by the obstacles you face and, ultimately, being responsible for a child can weigh you down, but we all have a stake in your child and want to see him or her be a productive member of society. There is no lack of information from sources around you such as family, friends, parents you meet at the park, the internet, books, health professionals, and schools. Ask when you need support, a second opinion, or a little break. There are also many agencies ready to help you if serious problems arise, and you must advocate for your child until you find the help that is needed.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.   Phyllis Diller

Courage- Parenting is not a popularity contest. The more you hear the words, “But everybody else is allowed to...” the more you should stand your ground. However, a willingness to be reasonable, to be creative, and to consider other possibilities until a satisfactory compromise is made will go a long way toward self-assurance (yours and your child’s). At an age-appropriate level, explain why you think this issue is important and let them tell you their point-of-view. You can’t control the world, so be sure to give your child the confidence to make good decisions for themselves. Trends pass but good parenting lasts forever. In addition, peer pressure can creep into your choices and parenting style. Trust that you have considered what is best for your family by setting your own goals and priorities so as not to be caught up in achieving a level of perfection that is uncomfortable, unsustainable, and unobtainable.

A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.     Richard L. Evans

Commitment- It’s a daunting task to have someone be completely dependent on you for many years; you have to be willing to sacrifice yourself—from the prenatal stage on— to help them reach their potential and to one day be independent and self-sufficient. In the end, time passes very quickly and through many small steps, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel, at which time you should congratulate yourself for reaching each milestone with your sanity intact.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.    Unknown

Caring- Opportunities abound in parenting to show you care for your child: do you know what they are eating, what they are watching, what their interests are, how they feel about school, where they are hanging out and with whom? Care enough to ask questions, listen intently, and learn as much as you can in order to make informed choices, keep communication open, and provide a safe, healthy environment.

Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents.    James A. Brewer

Consistency- This may be parenting’s weakest link. The caveat of course is that the line you stand on must be in the right place, which isn’t always obvious. Everything is under constant change and we are all human, so some days can get the better of us— but keep trying. Children thrive in situations where they feel secure and certain of what to expect in their surroundings; from daily routines to ensuring you are competent role model, consistent parenting gives your kids something stable to stand on while they reach out into the wider world.

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent.   
Bette Davis

Common Sense- Accidents are often preventable and you cannot go back in time so be aware, be alert, and be prepared. It is exhausting, but so is regret.

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.    Lane Olinghouse

Childhood- Let your kids be kids as long as they can. They have the rest of their lives to be adults and only fleeting moments of the innocence, the spontaneity, and the wonder of childhood. Let them be curious and expand their horizons but provide guidelines and boundaries. Children cannot be sheltered forever but don’t rush to make them grow up too quickly or let them make choices for themselves that they don’t understand the consequences of.

I am struck by the fact that the more slowly trees grow at first, the sounder they are at the core, and I think that the same is true of human beings. We do not wish to see children precocious, making great strides in their early years like sprouts, producing a soft and perishable timber, but better if they expand slowly at first, as if contending with difficulties, and so are solidified and perfected.    Henry David Thorough

Connection- We may not all be touchy-feely people but we are all hard-wired to feel connected to one another. Hugs and kisses are easy when the child is young but you may need to incorporate new ways of showing attention with older children: tuck them into bed, offer a high-five, smile at them when you first see them in the morning or when they come home from school, go for a walk, acknowledge small acts of kindness, play a card game, or throw a ball around. One of the easiest ways to form a bond with someone is through laughter; try something new together, watch a funny movie or read a funny book, visit with family and friends, and be sure to provide lots of downtime.

You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around—and why his parents will always wave back.    William B. Tammeus

The rewards will be subtle, and the work is often thankless, but being part of a miracle is priceless.

Side Bar ‘C’- An excellent resource for developing good parenting skills and cultivating respectful, loving, and healthy relationships in every aspect of our lives is the collection of books by “Kids Are Worth It” author Barbara Coloroso.

So, What Do You Do?

I was standing at my husband's annual office party during cocktail hour with a glass of wine in my hand and a smile on my face, meeting and greeting his co-workers, enjoying a rare night out of dinner and dancing, when someone asked me a question I forgot to dread until that moment: So, what do you do?

I pointed to where my husband was standing and good-naturedly replied that I take care of that guy. The gentleman laughed and agreed that was a big job, then we stood there in silence for a moment until he excused himself to mingle. Later on, as we were on our way home, I mentioned the exchange to my husband and added that I didn't know what else to say. He felt the question was impolite when you don't know what the other person does for a living but I reasoned that it was a common icebreaker that I should have been prepared for.

The boring answer is that I don't have a job any pays me for; I am a mother.

I have given it some thought but I don't like any of the answers I can come up with to the question of my work-related status.  I can't bring myself to say stay-at-home mom aloud because this common designation rubs me the wrong way; the ability to make people's eyes glaze over in four simple words is remarkable, but more pressing, my kids are not under five-years-old anymore, so this seems like less of a pass every year. Another moniker that makes me cringe is homemaker. This innocent word manages to encapsulate an antiquated view of a woman's role in the family while unfairly dismissing working mothers as people who are not actively creating a family atmosphere. The bank lists my occupation as unemployed, which is true, except for the part-time jobs I've had over the years and the fact that it hints at the notion that I'm looking for full-time work to become part of the real world again but in the meantime, I'm sitting around unproductively. When asked what she did, I once heard a mom reply, "My husband's a doctor...", which I understood to mean that she played a supporting role in her partner's demanding and high-pressure career, albeit an important function, it still sounded like a cop-out. I read someone describe herself as a freelance writer, at-home parent, and community activist, which I would happily adopt if my writing is ever published and gardening at the local school counts as community activist. I won't hold my breath.

I don't imagine these responses would incite genuine interest and sparkling dialogue in most social situations. Part of the problem may be in the nature of friendly conversation; work is usually a harmless topic of discussion when meeting new people, along with the weather. In less polite company, the question sounds more like, "Are you worth talking to?" Either way, if all you want to talk about is office politics and precipitation, or you would judge someone based on their title and position, I'd rather be at home playing with my kids.

I propose a slight alteration to this conventional greeting: What do you enjoy doing?

With this introduction, I may discover things about you I never would have known, things you have a passion for or may be knowledgeable about. What someone chooses to do in their free time to make them happy would pique my interest. Are you an avid collector? A world traveller? Do you make driftwood furniture in your garage or scan YouTube for your favourite versions of the national anthem? I would rather talk about that stuff. Moreover, my answers to this question would be greatly expanded. I may be a non-working mom (nope, that doesn't sound right either), but I could talk endlessly about books, gardening, and current events. I just need a jumping off point that doesn't start with me being gainfully employed.

Until this potential phenomenon catches on, I need an answer to the question, What do you do? I guess I'll have to admit that I have the best job of all: I am a mother.

This Just In

     Books play a very important role in my life. I crave information and books deliver what I need to feel inspired, to feel knowledgeable, and to feel productive. Among the many reasons I like books: I can pick up where I left off with a simple bookmark, I can readily flip back the pages to remind myself of clues, characters, and facts, books require no batteries, they can be free and reused over and over, they are portable, and best of all, no commercials.

     A book, in fact, may be the last bastion of all media not inundated with promoting itself. There is no sponsor telling me who my book was brought to me by; no running ticker at the bottom of the page giving me updates on the weather, current politics, and celebrity scandals; and no captions announcing the gist of the chapter under the heading “Breaking News” or “Happening Now”.

     I can safely read without an annoying advertisement to interrupt my concentration and pull me away from my brief suspension of reality. 
   
     My aversion to commercials goes back to when I first read a book about subliminal advertising as a teenager. My distaste for what was being spoon-fed through the television only grew so that by the time I had kids, the only children’s shows allowed in our house were commercial-free. Fortunately, public television aired educational programs such as Sesame Street and Arthur to keep us entertained and, the guilt for not having the extra cash to be a contributing viewer notwithstanding, I am grateful to the people who kept these shows going so that mom could have a break (to clean and make dinner).

     This parenting philosophy paid dividends when Today’s Parent magazine printed my idea for helping families save money and as a prize, sent us a book about raising money-smart Canadian kids. I wrote that children were targeted with persistent advertising while watching TV therefore I believed our family saved money by watching only commercial-free programs where advertisers were not telling my kids what to eat, what to wear, etc. When we did watch programs with commercials, we talked about how advertising works and taught the kids to question the motivations behind the slick marketing campaigns, for instance, does toilet paper need to be rebranded as “Cashmere”?

     We hardly watch commercials anymore thanks to my favourite toy in the house: our digital video recorder. Not only does this machine free-up hours by skipping commercials, it unchains us from the network-imposed deadlines that demand we stop every activity and rush to sit in front of the television for fear of missing the first five minutes. Even more civilized, we can rewind what we’ve missed instead of yelling at one another to stop talking while we listen to something, and we don’t have to be subjected to inappropriate commercials, horrific news stories coming up at eleven, and spots promoting the next crime drama, in detail, all while we watch family programming at 8 p.m.

     Pervasive advertising still sneaks in with the hosts pretending to clean using a sponsor’s product during their show, pop-up ads at the bottom of the screen, and product placement that is hardly subtle. Sports broadcasts are notorious for plastering brand names across the screen, the board, the ice, even the players. It’s like one big commercial with a game going on in the background.

     I understand how the economy works, and I appreciate the need for companies to sell their products, but I don’t want to be stalked by every available item on the market. If I want to buy something, I’ll do some research and make my own choices — I know the library has many books to help me decide what I want.

Wishing Upon a Star

     There is one time of year when I wish I didn't have any trees in my backyard. No, it's not autumn when the leaves blanket the ground waiting to be raked and composted, nor is it spring when the trees drip continuously on our driveway until a thick layer of sap, impervious to windshield washer fluid, covers my car. This short-lived dislike comes in August during the Perseid meteor shower. 

     My family started this ritual when our daughter was discussing the solar system in grade five science class, and one opportunistic glance upward had us hooked. We have a second-floor deck from which to view the ethereal display, away from the scavenging creatures that takeover our neighbourhood woods every night, where I set up sleeping bags, pillows, and every cushion I can get my hands on because lying on deck boards can be a form of torture.

     Around 1 a.m. I get the kids out of bed and we head out into the cool summer air on the night when astronomers predict the greatest number of meteors will occur. We tuck ourselves into the blankets and stare up at the starry sky wondering why we don't take in this perspective more often. And that's when I get miffed about the trees in our garden.

     Our house was built many years ago with a nod to nature that I will always appreciate but it's this walnut grove around us that causes the most interference. There are a variety of mature trees surrounding our deck, some pushing 25 metres tall, and becoming noticeably bigger every year, as evidence in the once sunny spots of our garden that no longer see any light.

     These beautiful trees provide hours of entertainment watching birds, animals, and insects; days of cool shade and dancing shadows; and months of a close-up appreciation for the changing seasons. They appear to cradle our house from large windows giving us a treehouse feeling from the main floor, which overlooks a ravine running through the backyard. I love these trees and I am grateful to the original owners for having such foresight fifty years ago.

     We are also guilty of contributing to the overshadowing of our house by adding trees that will one day dwarf the maples and oaks: sycamore, tulip, beech, Kentucky coffee, ginkgo, and cucumber trees. I can't help it, trees give me so much pleasure that I am addicted to their charm.

     It's only this time of year when I wish they would all disappear because our viewing area is diminished by fifty percent, which means we miss many of the stars streaming through parts of the sky covered in leaves. We could venture out to an open field but the logistics make it a daunting task in the wee hours of the night so we stick to our deck and marvel at every shooting star we are lucky enough to see. For the time being, we'll continue watching from our limited vantage point because it's a fun, free adventure to experience, even if we miss half the show, and, as you may know, every joke and bodily function is ten times funnier at three in the morning.